All good things must come to an end...
Right. Time to blog. I think it's time I just let it all out, even though most of you will probably already know quite a bit. I'm going to try to be as honest and forthcoming as possible, which I must admit doesn't always happen. Not that I lie, I just like to keep myself to myself sometimes.
Well, it's over. Just like that. I was very happy with life before I met Prill, but once I got to know her & got close to her, well, it just couldn't get any better really. Everything seemed perfect. She was my first kiss, the only person I'd ever been with, and we just seemed to get stronger and stronger. We spent so much time together when we could. When it came to the first summer apart, it wasn't heaven, but I wasn't complaining - we got through it fine. We emailed & spoke on msn when we could, and we spoke on the phone once or twice. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". I was just so happy to see her after the summer, and so glad that it was still all working out, that I had another year during which (for most of the year) I'd be with her at for at least several hours a day. We applied to the same college at Cambridge. And I'm fairly sure it happened by coincidence. I mean, Selwyn was one of the colleges we all visited, so we both saw how nice it was, and we most probably both talked about how good it seemed to each other, which must have helped. But anyway, that didn't work out, which I think we were both kinda glad about in the end, looking back. After that, it really didn't look like we were gonna go to the same university, seen as the only other one we both had in common was Edinburgh, and that didn't do my ideal course - it was really just a backup.
Anyway, later in the year, I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. First of all, it just didn't seem real - when the doctor explained what it might be. I could hear him perfectly well, but my head was swimming, and it wasn't really sinking in. After the doc left, it was just me and my mum. I burst into tears. Yeah, at first, I did think something like "Why me?" Not because I didn't think I deserved it, just because... well not many people do get it, and I've only known one person that had cancer before in my life, my gran, and it wasn't too serious - she just had a fairly simple operation and that was it. Anyway, I kinda recovered, and Prill came in later to see me in hospital. I knew that I couldn't just break down, I had to try & be strong, since she was obviously upset.
A brief deviation - one definite thing I learnt from my condition, was that I had to support other people in a way. You never really think of it like that before something like this happens to you, at least I didn't. I now had to face many, many people, who would be in an uncomfortable situation, possibly not knowing what to say. That's not to say that they didn't want to be there, or that they didn't want to comfort me - most people do want to comfort someone in such circumstances, but may not know exactly how to handle it. Other people, usually slightly older people, have known someone in a similar situation, and therefore think they have superior knowledge on how to advise someone on how to deal with it all. In my opinion, if you don't know the person well, then the absolute worst thing you can emphasize to them is "You'll get through it, don't worry." No matter how many people you know who have.
Anyway, I can't stress how much support I've had from Prill throughout all this. I really don't know how I would have been had it not been for her. I had someone who would willingly listen to all my troubles & hear about all the details, no matter how gruesome. I'm not saying that no one else would have done, but I felt completely at ease with her, and that's what mattered.
By next Tuesday, 19th October, I should be cured. I'll have to wait a while for results, but I've been given the full whack, so it should be over. Except now I don't feel the same. This whole ordeal has never been a complete nightmare, due mainly to the support I've received from everyone. So I expected to be very relieved & happy after it all, but now... well, it doesn't seem so important.
One day I'm as happy as ever - I missed Prill loads, but apart from that I was fine. So many times I thought to myself that I couldn't believe that I was with her, I was just in constant ecstasy. The next day, I couldn't believe it either. Suddenly my world, my life just seemed so empty, blank & pointless. It still does when I think about it too much, but I do my best not to. Don't worry, I certainly don't have the guts to do anything stupid to myself, not that I'd want to anyhow. The last thing I am is angry. With Prill or anyone else. Of course, I'm upset, and yeah disappointed, but not really because of what you did in the first place, and it hasn't changed the way I feel.
I still love you more than anything in the world. It seems like it's gonna take a hell of a lot to change that, at least for now. I'm glad that we're still good friends, I don't think I could survive without you. I suppose we just have different plans & views... maybe I just got too wrapped up in my fairytale ending. Anyway, it's over. I know I'm just going to have to live with it & get on with my life, but that sort of advice is hard to follow right now.
Well, it's over. Just like that. I was very happy with life before I met Prill, but once I got to know her & got close to her, well, it just couldn't get any better really. Everything seemed perfect. She was my first kiss, the only person I'd ever been with, and we just seemed to get stronger and stronger. We spent so much time together when we could. When it came to the first summer apart, it wasn't heaven, but I wasn't complaining - we got through it fine. We emailed & spoke on msn when we could, and we spoke on the phone once or twice. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". I was just so happy to see her after the summer, and so glad that it was still all working out, that I had another year during which (for most of the year) I'd be with her at for at least several hours a day. We applied to the same college at Cambridge. And I'm fairly sure it happened by coincidence. I mean, Selwyn was one of the colleges we all visited, so we both saw how nice it was, and we most probably both talked about how good it seemed to each other, which must have helped. But anyway, that didn't work out, which I think we were both kinda glad about in the end, looking back. After that, it really didn't look like we were gonna go to the same university, seen as the only other one we both had in common was Edinburgh, and that didn't do my ideal course - it was really just a backup.
Anyway, later in the year, I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. First of all, it just didn't seem real - when the doctor explained what it might be. I could hear him perfectly well, but my head was swimming, and it wasn't really sinking in. After the doc left, it was just me and my mum. I burst into tears. Yeah, at first, I did think something like "Why me?" Not because I didn't think I deserved it, just because... well not many people do get it, and I've only known one person that had cancer before in my life, my gran, and it wasn't too serious - she just had a fairly simple operation and that was it. Anyway, I kinda recovered, and Prill came in later to see me in hospital. I knew that I couldn't just break down, I had to try & be strong, since she was obviously upset.
A brief deviation - one definite thing I learnt from my condition, was that I had to support other people in a way. You never really think of it like that before something like this happens to you, at least I didn't. I now had to face many, many people, who would be in an uncomfortable situation, possibly not knowing what to say. That's not to say that they didn't want to be there, or that they didn't want to comfort me - most people do want to comfort someone in such circumstances, but may not know exactly how to handle it. Other people, usually slightly older people, have known someone in a similar situation, and therefore think they have superior knowledge on how to advise someone on how to deal with it all. In my opinion, if you don't know the person well, then the absolute worst thing you can emphasize to them is "You'll get through it, don't worry." No matter how many people you know who have.
Anyway, I can't stress how much support I've had from Prill throughout all this. I really don't know how I would have been had it not been for her. I had someone who would willingly listen to all my troubles & hear about all the details, no matter how gruesome. I'm not saying that no one else would have done, but I felt completely at ease with her, and that's what mattered.
By next Tuesday, 19th October, I should be cured. I'll have to wait a while for results, but I've been given the full whack, so it should be over. Except now I don't feel the same. This whole ordeal has never been a complete nightmare, due mainly to the support I've received from everyone. So I expected to be very relieved & happy after it all, but now... well, it doesn't seem so important.
One day I'm as happy as ever - I missed Prill loads, but apart from that I was fine. So many times I thought to myself that I couldn't believe that I was with her, I was just in constant ecstasy. The next day, I couldn't believe it either. Suddenly my world, my life just seemed so empty, blank & pointless. It still does when I think about it too much, but I do my best not to. Don't worry, I certainly don't have the guts to do anything stupid to myself, not that I'd want to anyhow. The last thing I am is angry. With Prill or anyone else. Of course, I'm upset, and yeah disappointed, but not really because of what you did in the first place, and it hasn't changed the way I feel.
I still love you more than anything in the world. It seems like it's gonna take a hell of a lot to change that, at least for now. I'm glad that we're still good friends, I don't think I could survive without you. I suppose we just have different plans & views... maybe I just got too wrapped up in my fairytale ending. Anyway, it's over. I know I'm just going to have to live with it & get on with my life, but that sort of advice is hard to follow right now.
